From Sullen Earth…

Sullen…not a nice word, not a pretty word nor even a pretty sounding word. Makes me think of slovenly…another word that pricks my soul. Laziness is one of my many weaknesses.

But, sullen. After an argument with my father, he would call me “sullen”. That would make me “angry”, mainly because I really didn’t know what he meant by it. I looked it up:

What did he know? I always thought I was cheerful, vivacious, Karen Carpenter “Top of the World” happy, but if I had a fight with him, I would give him the silent treatment. He had my number way back then. Grrrr…I hate when that happened.

Last night I had a little internal struggle with sullenness. I’m still trying to find my bearings after a couple kids moved out, one of which whisked away a grandchild. Living with my little grandson somehow extended the trappings of motherhood. The loss of his bright smile and happy ways revived the empty nest pangs. Anyway…that and other major milestones (a new grandson’s arrival, military graduation and news of more pregnancies – no, not mine) made July and August very emotional months.

So last night, I was kinda “sullen” so I did what I always do when I’m in a bad mood, I self-analyzed. Mistake number one. I was looking inward for some kind of sign or gift to cultivate a future with, but I realized a lot of my motivations throughout my life were either rooted in some kind of covetousness, lust or other selfish motives. Or sabotaged by my lack of discipline. I gazed for some authenticity, something TRUE of my being and I didn’t come up with much. 

I was thinking about Dolly Parton and her death. She was universally loved. No one had a bad word to say about her. And I thought…what motivated her? What made her Dolly? Her personality seemed so cut and dry, so clear as day…and I look at my muddled self-image and can’t get my head wrapped around why I don’t have that kind of clarity, that kind of distinction. Why can’t I grasp some unsullied germ to move forward? 

As I lay there, I ran to the source of all comfort – the Internet. Mistake number two. Did I find relief…nah, I see people who have done great things quietly and some who have done quiet things greatly. And my ache throbs.  The Bible says it’s not wise to compare yourself with others…I should listen. I kept dredging up past mistakes and weaknesses until I yanked my mind out of the navel gazing abyss and slapped some sense into myself.

STOP…which I did. And then I remembered the best decision I ever made, and the TRUEST. My decision to follow Jesus Christ, a decision which came from a true desire for the TRUTH, and He answered my prayers. Forty-seven years ago. He has not failed me yet.

I stopped with the comparing, the bemoaning, the regrets and remembered Him. He Who is the Way, the Truth and the Life. He Who gave me stability and continuity despite by hare-brained ways. And I thanked Him, praised Him and had a good night’s sleep.

This morning as I was scrolling before I headed to work, I came upon this clip from the Graham Norton show. Judi Dench is asked to recite some Shakespeare. I’ve seen it before, but it’s so good, I re-watched it. And this time I really listened. Unbelievable! Shakespeare was able to capture my malady, just how I was feeling and with such beautiful language and in such a way that I did not feel so alone. I did change a couple of letters in the Sonnet and capitalize them to refer to the Lord.

So when I get down in the dumps again, I will “haply think on Thee.”

“But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellence of the power may be of God and not of us.” 2 Corinthians 4:7