Tag: life

From Sullen Earth…

Sullen…not a nice word, not a pretty word nor even a pretty sounding word. Makes me think of slovenly…another word that pricks my soul. Laziness is one of my many weaknesses.

But, sullen. After an argument with my father, he would call me “sullen”. That would make me “angry”, mainly because I really didn’t know what he meant by it. I looked it up:

What did he know? I always thought I was cheerful, vivacious, Karen Carpenter “Top of the World” happy, but if I had a fight with him, I would give him the silent treatment. He had my number way back then. Grrrr…I hate when that happened.

Last night I had a little internal struggle with sullenness. I’m still trying to find my bearings after a couple kids moved out, one of which whisked away a grandchild. Living with my little grandson somehow extended the trappings of motherhood. The loss of his bright smile and happy ways revived the empty nest pangs. Anyway…that and other major milestones (a new grandson’s arrival, military graduation and news of more pregnancies – no, not mine) made July and August very emotional months.

So last night, I was kinda “sullen” so I did what I always do when I’m in a bad mood, I self-analyzed. Mistake number one. I was looking inward for some kind of sign or gift to cultivate a future with, but I realized a lot of my motivations throughout my life were either rooted in some kind of covetousness, lust or other selfish motives. Or sabotaged by my lack of discipline. I gazed for some authenticity, something TRUE of my being and I didn’t come up with much. 

I was thinking about Dolly Parton and her death. She was universally loved. No one had a bad word to say about her. And I thought…what motivated her? What made her Dolly? Her personality seemed so cut and dry, so clear as day…and I look at my muddled self-image and can’t get my head wrapped around why I don’t have that kind of clarity, that kind of distinction. Why can’t I grasp some unsullied germ to move forward? 

As I lay there, I ran to the source of all comfort – the Internet. Mistake number two. Did I find relief…nah, I see people who have done great things quietly and some who have done quiet things greatly. And my ache throbs.  The Bible says it’s not wise to compare yourself with others…I should listen. I kept dredging up past mistakes and weaknesses until I yanked my mind out of the navel gazing abyss and slapped some sense into myself.

STOP…which I did. And then I remembered the best decision I ever made, and the TRUEST. My decision to follow Jesus Christ, a decision which came from a true desire for the TRUTH, and He answered my prayers. Forty-seven years ago. He has not failed me yet.

I stopped with the comparing, the bemoaning, the regrets and remembered Him. He Who is the Way, the Truth and the Life. He Who gave me stability and continuity despite by hare-brained ways. And I thanked Him, praised Him and had a good night’s sleep.

This morning as I was scrolling before I headed to work, I came upon this clip from the Graham Norton show. Judi Dench is asked to recite some Shakespeare. I’ve seen it before, but it’s so good, I re-watched it. And this time I really listened. Unbelievable! Shakespeare was able to capture my malady, just how I was feeling and with such beautiful language and in such a way that I did not feel so alone. I did change a couple of letters in the Sonnet and capitalize them to refer to the Lord.

So when I get down in the dumps again, I will “haply think on Thee.”

“But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellence of the power may be of God and not of us.” 2 Corinthians 4:7

Silencing Barking Dogs

I started this blog probably a month ago…what has kept me from finishing it….Barking Dogs. Barking Dogs of one variety or another.

And I know of which I write. I live with four…that’s four dogs. Each is gifted with a particular bark. A particular intensity, annoyance and timing. It is remarkable when I come home from work after a long day; I prepare my dinner, sit down to watch some episode of Columbo or my newest obsession, Renovation Aloha, that as I’m about to put fork to mouth, the cacophony begins. Oh brother! Come on! I chow down one bite, try not to choke, before I rise and holler out the back door, “Shut Up!”

Years ago, I found the quote below in Dostoevsky’s A Diary of A Writer:

Dostoevsky writes: “In passing, and at all events, I will interject here a Turkish proverb (a real Turkish one and not an invented one): ‘If thou has started out to reach a certain goal, and if thou shouldst be stopping en route to throw stones at every dog barking at thee, thou shalt never reach ‘y goal.’” He continues, “As far as possible, I shall in my Diary try to abide by this wise proverb, even though I should not wish to bind myself beforehand with promises.”

This is where I learned about barking dogs and the chronic, exasperating habit of mine of getting so derailed by the pups. However, it’s not just the barking dogs that knock me off course, but there are a couple of figuratively barking dogs that are just as annoying and even more debilitating in my quest to write or clean or do something productive. I will describe three of my greatest “barking dogs”.

First…real barking dogs. I love our dogs, but they’re very excitable. I feel sorry for my neighbors, but they’ve seemed to resign themselves with the wild bunch. Anything can set them off, but the main culprit is a pesky squirrel. All of them go crazy. What is wrong with detente? Living in peace with those in your habitat. No, they cannot nor will not. Their barking even drove one of the younger members of the household to drop an expletive! Where he learned that I can only guess. Topic for another blog.

So as I either sit at my computer, or try to fold some laundry or start some other task around the house, it is predestined, predetermined and fated (in a cosmically Calvinistic kind of way) that one member of the canines will start barking, and I will get distracted, derailed and then I will abdicate the subject task. Discipline and I have a relationship like oil and vinegar. We just can’t get it together.

Two…digital barking dogs. I don’t know when the scrolling fever hit me, but I think it’s only been a few years…hah! That’s what you say when you’ve been scrolling for three straight hours and you thought it was only a half hour. So I don’t even remember when I got stuck in that runt. I have wasted innumerable hours listening to the “barking dogs” of Instagram, Facebook, email (which consists of 95% junk, 5% pertinent business), Facebook Marketplace and even X (Twitter) all from my trusty omnipresent device. I think I have tweaked my left hip where it is no longer matching my right hip because I recline for hours on end scrolling and brain rotting. What did George Smiley tell the Minister in Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy as he was investigating the Mole in the Circus, “It’s just enough glitter amongst the chickenfeed.” Likewise, the Internet. There’s just enough gold dust amid the endless reels, posts and ads to keep me wading in the chickenfeed. I have neglected my writing, my chores and doing something a little less mind numbing like perhaps reading. Reading more that 140 characters. I can’t even do that anymore.

I have been a voracious reader, I love books, I would eat them up; but now I’m having a hard time slowing it down, resisting the dopamine demands of the digital world and just enjoy a good read. I confess, braggingly so, that I’ve started Tom Holland’s Dominion, a big fat 1,000 page tome about the influence of Christianity on Western Civilization. Impressive, huh? Topics I love: history and Christianity. I’ve gotten through a couple chapters, pray for me. This is a test… I intend to silence this barking dog. I’ll let you know when I finish it…in a few years.

And then there are the mean barking dogs: the negative thoughts, the insecurities and the fears. These are the worst. I don’t know where they come from or whether they have any credence or how I should discern their merits. Of course these thoughts, insecurities and fears come at a time when I am vulnerable. If I were confident at all…then the mugs of pride and cockiness rear their ugly heads. There’s a battle going on. More prayers. My main fears are not just whether my thoughts have any merit for the public forum or whether what I contribute is of any lasting value, but the fear of humiliation and embarrassment in sharing thoughts which I think are new and exciting, but are like yesterday’s news to everyone else. I will give you two examples.

In college, I took German. I learned “Ich weiss, Ich nicht weiss”, I know that I know nothing, a quote attributed to Socates via Plato. Okay, I get it. Years later one day while I was reading a new subject, I realized that the more I learn, the more I don’t know. Ich weiss, ich nicht weiss. I thought I was pretty clever and then I remembered my St. Mary’s Seminar where I learned Plato’s quote. I wasn’t thinking of anything new. I am only displaying my ignorance. That’s the fear…anything I write, I am sure has been written before…and much better, of course.

But to counteract this fear, I screenshot this little snippet or shall I say piece of gold dust, (thank you George Smiley), from Instagram. I’m gonna print it out and tack it to my corkboard!

The second example was not too disheartening. It was actually a nice validation. The theme of one of my meager poems was better expressed in The Last Battle by C.S. Lewis.

My poem:

“Life is but a preface

To a never ending tome.

A story yet unwritten,

Waiting to unfold.

There will be no epilogue,

“The road goes ever on,”

As someone wisely wrote

Not so long ago.”

Nice little ditty. Now you see where I was going…now look at what Mr. Lewis does with that idea.

“And as He spoke, He no longer looked to them like a lion; but the things that began to happen after that were so great and beautiful that I cannot write them. And for us this the end of all the stories, and we can most truly say that they all lived happily ever after. But for them it was only the beginning of the real story. All their life in this world and all their adventures in Narnia had only been the cover and the title page: now at last they were beginning Chapter One of the Great Story which no one on earth has read: which goes on for ever: in which every chapter is better than the one before.”

Isn’t that great? I don’t feel bad that an amazing writer like C.S. Lewis absolutely nailed the idea I was scribbling about. He embodied it within a fantastic story. Now, I’m not gonna say “Great minds think alike”, but he’s a nice kindred spirit to have. However, it’s still a mildly benign barking dog, because it deflates my desire to write. Why write, when I can read and find my thoughts elsewhere? Better written, better expressed. But, remember David Lynch’s advice.

So how do I silence these barking dogs?

I don’t know. Put them in their cages, throw ’em a bone…but still I’d be interacting with them. Contrary to the Turkish Proverb Advice. I’m still working on that one.

However, the other barking dogs I list, I am praying for focus. I am trying to outsmart them. I have a couple projects on the horizon…and I am determined, in this particularly focused moment right now, to finish them.

Prayer and Focus. Stay on task. You got this.

“Someone shut those dogs up!”